Who am I?

Who am I?

It’s a question that haunts me. Its the reason I've been so withdrawal from social media lately.

I’m a wife, I’m a mother. But who am I?

I was driving home the other day from grocery shopping and a song came on from high school.

A song I knew every word to. 

In that moment it became clear to me that, along with music, I’ve let go of many other habits and things I used to enjoy. 

It isn’t that I don’t love being a mother. I really really do. But so many parts about my life have changed, and I’m struggling to catch up with myself.

I became a mom 6 weeks before my 21st birthday so I didn't have too many years to find myself. But now that the baby is 3.5 years old and we are done having babies, I feel like its time to start finding myself again.

For the last 15.5 years my desires, motivations, and spontaneous urges have to be molded around my kids and husband. I have had to consider their needs equal to or above my own in the day to day.

This is good and fine and right.

But somewhere deep down in my soul, I feel lost. 

Just floating furture away but I can hear her tiny voice yelling ...

"DON'T FORGET ABOUT ME!"

I often feel isolated, alone, and bored even when the WHOLE family is home with me.

I've been digging deep down and pulling that lost girl out and finding what fills her soul and makes her feel whole again.

I will never have the life I had pre-motherhood, and that’s okay. Cause that girl was a mess.

But I have slowly started to find myself again.

I bought myself my favorite book series and have been re-reading it. Almost finished with it now and have a new series lined up, ready to read next.

I've also started crafting again. My hubs have even promised to buy me some bigger craft items I've been lusting over but haven't bought because of the price and the thoughts that "I'm being selfish".

My identity isn’t lost, it’s just been buried under kids school work, diapers and toys. 

It’s not about finding the old me, but coming to love the new one.

I wipe butts, I wipe tears. I give spankings, I give bear hugs, I help with homework.

And I just know—the old me would be so proud of who I've become.

This is a new season of my life. At first it terrified me, made me feel lost in this big world. But I'm embracing it and learning more about the me that's been hidden by the joys of motherhood and wife-hood.